Episode 059 - 2015 Playoff Preview

Chris and Paul spend the first 1:31:00 previewing the 2015 NBA Playoffs, going chronologically through the series starting with Saturday’s opening tip-off (Washington/Toronto), and then wrap up by talking some Game of Thrones (with slight spoilers) and Daredevil.

The Give and Go: Best Finishing Move

Scott Halleran/Getty Images

The Give and Go is a quick back and forth between Paul Mitchell and Chris St. Jean about a relevant subject in the NBA at that moment.

Paul: The MVP debate is down to a two-man race between Golden State’s Steph Curry and Houston’s James Harden with just a week left to play, but how much should voters factor in the quality of post-big shot celebratory gestures into their Most Valuable Player ballots? Is Harden’s “stir the pot” miming the league’s best finishing move this season? How does it stack up historically?

Episode 058 - Title Contenders

With just about a week left to the 2014-15 NBA season, Chris and Paul spend two hours going through the championship contending teams and identify their best- and worst-case scenarios entering the playoffs.

Episode 057 - NBA Awards

Chris and Paul break down the contenders for the Most Valuable Player, Defensive Player of the Year, Coach of the Year, Sixth Man of the Year, Most Improved Player, and Rookie of the Year awards for the first 57 minutes, and end on some Whiplash, Gone Girl, and “Community” discussions.

The Give and Go: College Coaches

Andy Lyons/Getty Images

The Give and Go is a quick back and forth between Paul Mitchell and Chris St. Jean about a relevant subject in the NBA at that moment.

Paul: John Calipari “desperately” wants to coach again in the NBA, per a front office executive to NorthJersey.com’s Steve Popper. Popper speculates as to a return to the Nets organization for Calipari, where his renowned recruitment abilities could be an attractive option for a Brooklyn team that will depend heavily on future free agencies to replenish their roster. It was barely a year ago that Calipari reportedly turned down a multi-year contract to coach the Cleveland Cavaliers to return to the University of Kentucky, but could this offseason be any different? If you were an organization looking to make moves in free agency, would you consider investing in John Calipari, and how much control over personnel would you be willing to cede?

If not Calipari, are there any other current college coaches that you think are realistic options to jump to the NBA?

Episode 056 - Steve Nash's Retirement & The Race for the Seventh/Eighth Seeds

Chris and Paul discuss Steve Nash’s retirement for the first ten minutes of the podcast, and then break down the field for the Western and Eastern Conference’s last couple of playoff spots.

Episode 055 - NCAA Tournament Preview, NBA Trending Teams, & New TV

Chris and Paul preview the NCAA Tournament by discussing some draft prospects worth watching, and then talk about some trending NBA teams in Memphis, Utah, Boston, and Washington. They end on all the recent pop culture releases, and briefly get into the return of ‘Community’, ‘The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt’, ‘Sin City Saints’, ‘Better Call Saul’, ‘The Last Man on Earth’, and Kendrick Lamar’s ‘To Pimp a Butterfly’.

The Give and Go: Third Options

Darryl Norenberg/Wire Image

The Give and Go is a quick back and forth between Paul Mitchell and Chris St. Jean about a relevant subject in the NBA at that moment.

Paul: I’m fascinated by the concept of “Big 3’s”, in relation to the NBA. It’s not a new concept, as the phrase goes back at least to the Los Angeles Lakers teams from the ‘70’s - who added Wilt Chamberlain in trade to their core of Jerry West and Elgin Baylor - but as an NBA fan, post-Michael Jordan, it’s a phrase I hadn’t heard much of in contemporary circles until the Boston Celtics’ trades in 2007. Since then it’s been a trendy narrative device that’s been bastardized by mainstream media outlets, but there’s no denying that there are a greater concentration of star players in today’s NBA than ever before.

So let’s focus on the 3rd option in the 2015 version of the “Big 3”. What’s the ideal role of a 3rd option (on a good team)? Is it as simple as a team’s 3rd-leading scorer, or are their responsibilities more diverse? With that said, which is the best 3rd option in the NBA today?

Chris: Great question. The tidy narrative driven after the Spurs won their title last season was the victory of ‘The Team’ over the idea of ‘The Big 3’, but then less than two months later, LeBron goes to Cleveland, they trade for Kevin Love and the idea is reborn. That narrative will never go away, even if the Spurs won last season and a team like the Hawks succeed this year. As long as three talented players are on a roster together, someone will throw that term around, so I like your idea of embracing it and exploring our options here.

You pose great questions about how to define the 3rd option. To me, there is no definition and hopefully some of my favorite third options in the league can demonstrate what I mean:

• Let’s pour some out for one of the most universally adored NBA third options the league has seen in a long time, Wesley Matthews. I wrote in a recent Give and Go that Portland was the team I would be most interested in watching down the stretch. to examine the question “Can they win the title?” That went up in smoke when Matthews went down. Not to mention the amount of money it will cost him.   

• With Memphis, it’s hard to determine a hierarchy between Marc Gasol, Mike Conley, and Zach Randolph, and players like Courtney Lee, Tony Allen, and Jeff Green are important to what they do. But I’d be hard-pressed to find a more talented trio on any NBA roster out there. Given Marc Gasol’s MVP discussion-worthy start, and Mike Conley officially ‘shedding’ the underrated tag, I think of Randolph as the third banana in this scenario now. And that’s pretty fucking insane to be averaging 16 and 11 as the third banana.
• Tony Parker is the engine that drives the Spurs’ offense. As we’ve seen for much of this season, when he’s not playing well, the Spurs don’t play well. Tim Duncan, at the advanced age of 63 is a defensive player of the year candidate and is the foundation upon which the Spurs’ defense is built. To my mind, that makes Kawhi Leonard the third option on a championship-level team. Kawhi can do anything on the basketball floor, but if you removed either Tony or Timmy right now, the burden of carrying one side of the ball might be too much for him.   
• To your point about the 3rd option being the third-leading scorer, that’s certainly not the case for the Clippers. Crawford and Reddick would be candidates based on scoring, but without a doubt the third most important player on that roster is DeAndre Jordan. He’s been a monster since Blake went down and his shot chart is a testament to the ultimate role player. He knows exactly what his teams asks of him, and that’s what he gives them.
• Josh Smith is obviously the third-most important player to this Houston … just kidding. I wanted to make sure you were still paying attention, Mitchell.

If that tells me anything it’s that there is no way to define the 3rd option beyond the third-most important player to a good team. And even that implies you need to rank the top three hierarchically that diminishes the cohesion of a team like Memphis or Atlanta or even Golden State.

I blame NBA Jam for this. To most in our age group, NBA Jam can do no wrong, I know. But they boiled down an NBA roster to three players and you can play as any two-man combination of those three players. It’s probably half the reason I fell in love with the Muggsy Bogues, Alonzo Mourning, Larry Johnson trio. Actually, I take that back, it’s not even close to 20% of the reason I fell in love with that team.  

So what are your thoughts, Mitchell? How do you define a third option and who is your favorite in this NBA season?



Mitchell: As is true with any question in life, really, NBA Jam makes a perfect metaphor. I am also guilty of picking the Charlotte Hornets every single time, unless it was the console version that had replaced Muggsy with Kendall Gill and removed Reggie Lewis. Now whether I was influenced by the outsized personalities and marketing campaigns of Muggsy Bogues and Larry “Grandmama” Johnson or by the pretty, baby blue jerseys of the fresh, new franchise I’m not sure, but even back in the days of arcades and quarters, I always appreciated the Hornets’ mix of speed, shooting, strength, shot blocking, and huge dunks.

Alonzo Mourning was a must-play. In a standard game, without fouls or hot spots, ‘Zo was a one-man wrecking crew, who would two-hand, novelty shove any offensive player who dared to enter the paint or elevate near his basket. From there I’d have to debate the merits and style of play of LJ or Muggsy to round out my starting duo, unless I felt adventurous and started two offensive players without a rim protector. It never worked out, and I would soon run out of quarters.

Defense matters, whether it’s NBA Jam or with third options on good teams. There’s no template or control in the experiment of how to build a title team, as every championship squad has been unique from each other, but there are certain trends that emerge in roster construction. The highest-paid player is often the team’s leading scorer (and leader in usage rate), with the second-highest next. Whether it’s unfair or not, I feel that the defensive burden then falls to the team’s third option, who also needs to consistently score in double-digits against playoff defenses.

Basically Chris Bosh, at least as far as recent examples from a really good team. Bosh took plenty of derision from fans and praise from coaches by the end of Miami’s four-consecutive Finals appearances, as a new-age big capable of stretching defenses as a catch-and-shoot player but who was also quick enough to cover the entire court. Sometimes it takes little moments, like grabbing the offensive rebound that led to one of the greatest shots in NBA history, to prove his value, or the long road trips where he’s leading the team in scoring when the team’s other options are out with injury.

So I guess flexibility too, along with defensive and offensive competence, or like you said, a good team’s third-best player. But that then gets into the concept of value and how to equate offense vs. defense, and I’m not ready to open that can of worms. Here are my top 5 third options, instead.

1. Chris Bosh. This might officially be an insult now, after getting paid to be the post-LBJ The Man in Miami and carrying the team before injuries ruined his 2014-15 season, but Bosh has just about perfected his role as a floor-spacer and pick-and-roll blitzer, and I’m sure won’t mind conceding the ball to Dwyane Wade and Goran Dragic.
2. Kawhi Leonard. Kawhi began the 2014 Finals as the third or fourth option in the Spurs’ offense, but by series’ end was dominating with the ball as the Finals MVP. Tim Duncan has been the most consistent Spur and Tony Parker the most crucial to the team’s success, while Leonard provides them with another level of upside. It’s no coincidence that as he’s returned to the lineup this season the San Antonio Spurs have gotten hot.
3. Serge Ibaka. Serge has always been underrated as a third option who clearly knows his limitations in playing with two of the league’s best players on a nightly basis. He’s extended his face-up game to the three-point line while doubling as the league’s second-leading shot blocker, and yet still leaves me wanting to see more from him as a player. If he never gets better he’s safe on this list due to his defensive impact, but if he ever adds a post game or desire to draw free throws, he’s a future Finals MVP.
4. Draymond Green. This might be a stretch until he can prove it in this year’s playoffs. Draymond checks all of the boxes I need from my third options, besides maybe the consistent ability to get his own shot, but he locks in on the defensive end, provides spacing options from the power forward spot, and offers intangibles for days on the league’s most dominant team. Dude’s gonna get paid.
5. Kevin Love. I’m going to cheat here and screw over Mike Conley or Wes Matthews or Paul Millsap/Jeff Teague in favor of criticizing Kevin Love. Love is a great example of the almost cruel irony in today’s NBA economics, where he became a star player on a rookie contract in a small market and never really had the coaching or veteran culture around him to flesh out the rest of his game (outside of his insane scoring and rebounding numbers). As a result his teams struggled and he asked out, and ended up in a situation that has the scoring and rebounding covered but needs Love to play defense and do the little things.  His tenure so far in Cleveland is really interesting, as he might even be a better player than the team’s second option in Kyrie Irving, but Love is the one eliciting the “James Jones and Mike Miller” comparisons this season. He’s an insanely skilled player that has yet to figure out how to pick his spots in a complementary role around LeBron James and Kyrie, but despite the tremendous talent gap, you have to wonder how the Cavs would look with Draymond Green as their third option over Love.

The Give and Go: Stretch Run

Jeff Hanisch/USA TODAY Sports

The Give and Go is a quick back and forth between Paul Mitchell and Chris St. Jean about a relevant subject in the NBA at that moment.

Paul: We are now effectively at the stretch run of the season, without any more All-Star breaks or trade deadlines to distract us. So as we hunker down for the last 30 games or so remaining in the 2014-15 season, which team(s) are you looking forward to monitoring? Conversely, which team(s) are you down on, either after any trade deadline (in)activity or because of their style of play?

Trade Deadline Fallout

Mark D. Smith/USA TODAY Sports

Remember on the podcast when Chris and I predicted that the NBA’s trade deadline would be weak and underwhelming? That was fun. Never before have I been so glad to be so wrong, as the transactions flew at such a frenzied pace Thursday afternoon that even the Woj-cyborg showed signs of short-circuiting.

Good lord.
— Adrian Wojnarowski (@WojYahooNBA) February 19, 2015

In total, 37 players were involved in trades on Thursday alone and about a dozen draft picks changed hands. Here’s my best account of rationalizing and breaking down each trade in the chronological order in which they broke, in the hours leading up to Thursday’s 3pm (EST) trade deadline - outside of that last half hour to 20-minute stretch that closed out the activity, when my head might have momentarily exploded. Most of the information has been referenced from SBNation’s concise trade listings, and I’ve used the always clutch Pro Sports Transactions for any future draft picks that were moved.

Episode 054 - All-Star Recap & Trade Deadline Preview

Chris and Paul reflect on last weekend’s All-Star festivities (23:00), then jump into trade deadline talk (until 55:00), and finally some TV and movies.

Worth a click:

The Money Side of Goran Dragic to the Pacers (Tim Donahue, 8Points9Seconds)

Sunday Shootaround: Everyone Loves KD. Now What? (Paul Flannery, SBNation)

Kobe Bryant Will Always Be an All Star at Talking (Chuck Klosterman, GQ)

Why I Prefer Having Sex With NBA Players (Lisa Ann, as told to Myles Brown, GQ)

Danny Ainge’s balancing act (Ian Thomsen, NBA.com)

The Give and Go: Which Contenders Need a Trade?

Bart Young/Getty Images

The Give and Go is a quick back and forth between Paul Mitchell and Chris St. Jean about a relevant subject in the NBA at that moment.

Paul: The NBA’s trade deadline is just hours away. We’ve covered various aspects of the deadline already, with trades we want to see happen and the thought process behind rebuilding teams moving draft picks, but let’s switch our focus this week to the contending teams. The Dallas Mavericks, Cleveland Cavaliers, Houston Rockets, and Memphis Grizzlies have already made big moves to stabilize their deficiencies for the playoff push, but which (other) playoff hopefuls need a talent infusion for the stretch run of the season?

The Give and Go: Trading Draft Picks

Scott Cunningham, Getty Images

The Give and Go is a quick back and forth between Paul Mitchell and Chris St. Jean about a relevant subject in the NBA at that moment.

Paul: We spent the entirety of our last podcast thinking of fake trades, in the hopes that it would rub off on some NBA general managers. Since then we’ve seen two actual trades involving the Minnesota Timberwolves, as they sent Mo Williams and Troy Daniels to Charlotte for Gary Neal and a future second-round pick and then traded a lottery-protected first for Atlanta’s Adreian Payne.

What do you think of Minnesota’s strategy of selling veterans for draft picks, while simultaneously trading picks for young talent already in the NBA? Is this a strategy that other, rebuilding teams should adopt - most notably the Boston Celtics, with tons of future draft considerations and a couple of solid veterans on the roster? Is it kind of genius to trade draft picks down the line for discounted talent today, or counter-productive for teams that are years away from contention?

How about for a young team with years of lottery experience, like the Charlotte Hornets? Is the risk of trading draft picks mitigated by their proximity to the playoffs?

Episode 053 - NBA News & All-Star Weekend Preview

Chris and Paul begin with last Friday’s Golden State Warriors/Atlanta Hawks game and then go through some NBA news before breaking down All-Star weekend and the Grammys, Oscar movies, and TV premieres.

Worth a click:

Giannis Antetokounmpo is reinventing the game (Mike Prada, SBNation)

Deserve’s Got Everything To Do With It (Seth Partnow, Hardwood Paroxysm)

NBA trade rumors 2015 roundup: Enes Kanter wants to be traded (Yaron Weitzman, SBNation)

The night Vinsanity was born (Zach Harper, CBSSports)

Episode 052 - (Let's See Some) Trades!

Chris and Paul spend the entirety of Episode 52 thinking of trades that should happen before the NBA’s trade deadline on February 19th (but probably won’t), and the teams and players that need a trade the most.

Worth a click:

Rebuilding 102: Year 2 of Sam Hinkie's Philadelphia 76ers (Chris St. Jean, Basketball Society)

Michael Kidd-Gilchrist's jump shot, voice remain a work in progress (Lee Jenkins, Sports Illustrated)

The Fatalist (Louisa Thomas, Grantland)

Time for Your Western Conference Wake-Up Call: Don't Sleep on the Clippers! (Zach Lowe, The Triangle/Grantland)

Episode 051 - All-Star Reserves & Streaking Teams

In Episode 51, Chris and Paul discuss the just-announced All-Star reserves, some streaking teams, and the New England Patriots/Seattle Seahawks Super Bowl.

The Give and Go: The Slam Dunk Contest is Back!

Vincent Lamar Carter, 2000 Slam Dunk Contest

The Give and Go is a quick back and forth between Paul Mitchell and Chris St. Jean about a relevant subject in the NBA at that moment.

Paul: The NBA’s Dunk Contest might not suck this year. Assuming the NBA doesn’t bring back the Dunk Wheel or Nate Robinson, the 2015 event should be entertaining, with a nice crew of young and exciting athletes (or is it ath-a-letes?) set to throw down dunks February 14 at the Barclays Center.

What are your thoughts on this year’s crop of dunkers?

What’s your ideal rotation of hypothetical Dunk Contest participants (of players currently in the NBA)?

Can Jason Richardson still dunk?

And how many times will we hear “the Dunk Contest is BACK!” on Feb. 14, between Kenny Smith, Reggie Miller (UGH), and Kevin Harlan?

Chris: Wait a second. The Dunk Wheel was in 2002? 13 years ago? God I’m old.  

People have been complaining about the dunk contest as long as you and I have been watching it (which is apparently way longer than we want to admit) and that came to a crescendo last season when John Wall won the most confusing Dunk Contest of all time.

The NBA has come to its senses and realized… Haters gonna Hate. One of the biggest issues the NBA runs into is that casual fans, or people who don’t watch the NBA, end up watching the Slam Dunk Contest, throwing up their hands, and saying, ‘What’s the big deal?’. You can’t compete with that, so I’m glad to see the more ‘traditional’ format return catering to NBA diehards.

And speaking of NBA diehards, those are the only people who are going to know who Victor Oladipo, Zach Lavine, The Greek Freak, and Mason Plumlee are. That can be a good thing or a bad thing. While Gerald Green came from relative obscurity outside of Boston to put on a show, Blake Griffin and Dwight Howard may have ruffled a few feathers by making things more of a show than an athletic competition:



If I were looking for that special combination of athletic prowess and personality, I would include the following four:  

Russell Westbrook - Just for the mean mugs and looks of condemnation he would give the other opponents after throwing down another act of violence against the rim. Every great drama needs a villain.

John Wall - Always underrated athletically and as a dunker, and was wasted on that ridiculous format last season. He can defend his championship and be our leading man (who doesn’t like John Wall right now?).

Zach Lavine - Expectations are really high, but his relative anonymity and fresh face could help paint him as the underdog. Athletically, he matches up with anyone in the world. It remains to be seen what kind of showmanship he (and his teammate Andrew Wiggins) will be able to offer.

Victor Oladipo - Oladipo feels right, here. In his second season, Oladipo continues to improve and anyone who does a 360 dunk for the game-winning basket is ready for the dunk contest in my book. He’s the wildcard, both in my hypothetical situation and in the real contest.

You might be wondering, what about The Greek Freak and Mason Plumlee. Well, Mitchell, I’ll leave Plumlee for you to tackle since you’ve seen him more than me. I know he’s athletic, but dunk-contest-athletic? I guess we’ll find out. As for The Greek Freak, his length has mystified NBA junkies all season long, but I’m wondering how that translates to a dunk contest. I’m worried he may be a bit underwhelming as the NBA League Pass sweetheart. I know it’s blasphemy and hey, I sure hope I’m wrong.

Want to set me straight, Mitchell?

Paul: There’s no way that ridiculous Dunk Wheel concept was 13 years ago…

*goes on Google*

*gets depressed*

Wow…

For some reason I thought the Wheel came after the excruciating Dwight Howard and Nate Robinson Dunk Contests, but I might have repressed those memories after guys like Andre Iguodala, Josh Smith, and Gerald Green lost out to green sneakers and prop phone booths.

For that matter, I don’t want to see Blake Griffin or LeBron James in the 2015 Dunk Contest. Blake’s lone appearance was great for his brand and endorsement opportunities and LeBron has been basically begged to enter every season since he entered the league in 2003, but for all of their physical abilities, I’m not sure if they have the same creativity as former dunk champions like Jason Richardson or Vince Carter. Kind of like the big-man issue, where power and vertical numbers aren’t as impressive as agility and originality in these events.

We all know the Dunk Contest is a joke, more meant for minors than for diehard hoop heads, but unlike other events like the Home Run Derby or whatever it is that the NFL or NHL do, the Slam Dunk Contest offers insane amounts of athleticism but also the possibility of seeing something we’ve never witnessed before. Jumping over a Kia was a cool concept that made for a great text alert (“OMGZ BLAKE’S BRINGING OUT THE CAR!”) but dunks like Vince Carter’s elbow or Andre Iguodala’s alley-oop off the back of the backboard were original ideas that were tough to describe in a single sentence. Every year during the telecast there’s a strong counter-narrative to the “The Dunk Contest is back!” point; that we’ve seen almost every type of dunk already. If that’s true then end the event now, but I’m excited to see what some of the NBA’s young guns can come up with on February 14.

If the NBA is unable to recruit legitimate All Stars into the Dunk Contest, then inviting future All Stars is a nice strategy. There is no Jeremy Evans this year; instead all four participants are rotation players on teams that range from (mostly) awful to average. Everybody but Zach LaVine have already played large roles this season, and the spotlight will be good exposure for the NBA’s up-and-coming class of talent.

Personally, I’d prefer to expand the Dunk Contest field to double-digit entries, where a missed dunk or two won’t ruin the entire event. Integrate the guys from the Developmental League, make it a bracket, and scatter the rounds throughout the evening, as incentive to actually watch the 3-Ball competition or the Skills Challenge. If we can’t get the elite-level of NBA talent involved, let’s give the young kids a chance to shine.

I can still remember the buzz at high school the Monday after the Vince Carter/Steve Francis finale in the 2000 contest, or me and all of my friends trying (and failing) to pull off the Jason Williams around-the-back, off-the-elbow pass on the fast break. It’s an exhibition, but considering the awful quality of basketball in the 1990’s and early 2000’s, those moments were crucial to my younger self appreciating (and being in awe of) the game of basketball.

In compiling my own list of dunk participants in 2015, I’ll try to pick some different names than you did. LaVine and ‘Dipo would probably be my first two selections for this format, but the league is so stacked in quality, young athletes that I’ll still be able to put together a nice list of dunkers.

Andrew Wiggins - You want LaVine, the “Human Vine Reel”? Fine, I’ll take his future-Rookie of the Year teammate and draw the Canadian audience. Wiggins has been a dominant player on both sides of the ball for the Minnesota Timberwolves and checks all of the boxes that I need in my entrants: insane hops, huge wingspan, and a magnetic smile/personality.

Giannis Antetokounmpo - You mentioned he’s the League Pass sweetheart, as Giannis alters our understanding of basketball physics on an almost nightly basis. Milwaukee is one of the best stories of the season, despite losing Jabari Parker with an ACL tear, and The Greek Freak may have finally grown too large for the small bubble of League Pass and Basketball Twitter. It’s time that we share him with the rest of the NBA world.

Gerald Green - The resident old timer, at 29 years of age, GG remains maybe the most athletic basketball player I’ve ever seen. He’s blown out the candle and shown some innovation in his previous contest appearances, and will school the youngsters, as long as he doesn’t hit his head on the rim.

Anthony Davis - I wanted to go with a hoopster pick of another young player that’s not yet on the national radar, like a Ben McLemore, Aaron Gordon (who’s been hurt for Orlando), or Jerami Grant/K.J. McDaniels, but The Unibrow would be too nice to pass up. He might set the NBA’s PER record this year, and Andrew Wiggins and Giannis are maybe the only other players in the league who can match his reach and lanky arms. I’m not sure how creative Davis could get in a dunk contest setting, but I would like to see for myself.

Or we go with an All-Time Slam Dunk Contest, where we get Michael Jordan, Dominique Wilkins, David Thompson, Julius Erving, Vince Carter, Jason Richardson, and Desmond Mason out of retirement (or close enough, in Vince or JRich’s cases) to compete, although I’m not sure if the NBA’s insurance plan would cover it.

The Give and Go: Let's Buy an NBA Franchise!

NBA Reddit

The Give and Go is a quick back and forth between Paul Mitchell and Chris St. Jean about a relevant subject in the NBA at that moment.

Paul: With the news this week that NBA franchise valuations have increased an insane 74% over last year, I feel like I have to ask, Chris, if you came into an extra, let’s say $2 billion, which NBA franchise would you ideally look to purchase? Of the organizations that might realistically sell, which would you invest in?

Chris: Great question! This is made infinitely more difficult by trying to define which organizations ‘might realistically sell’. Rather than dive down that rabbit hole of speculation I’ll let you into my thought process of elimination:

The Marquee Franchises...Plus the Clippers

The Lakers, Knicks, Bulls, and Celtics are just too institutional to consider them realistically available (I realize the Celtics may not be as unattainable as the other, but I’m ignoring that for now). I’m throwing the Clippers in there because they were just purchased at market value. Those were the top 5 on Forbes' list.

The Bad Market Club

Pacers, Bucks, Timberwolves, Pelicans, Hornets, Grizzlies, Pistons, Kings, Hawks (tough one but they won’t play this well forever), Jazz, Nuggets, Thunder.

Not many destination cities in that bunch… next.

Too High-Profile

Dallas - Who wants to follow Mark Cuban as an owner?  Not me.

Miami - I don’t want Pat Riley getting all of my credit when I get a ring!

Brooklyn - Intriguing with the color scheme, new arena and practice facility, and ability to fire Billy King, but I may be blinded by the horrific amount of uninteresting this team dishes out on a nightly basis.

San Antonio - Once Popovich retires, does this franchise slip into the last tier?

Cleveland - As much fun as it would be to replace Dan Gilbert, LeBron will obviously own this team in two years.

Soft Spots

Raptors - It would be better to own the only franchise in Canada, right? Doesn’t that make you like a national hero? Wait, aren’t taxes really high in Canada? And I have no shot at signing any free agents right? Is the current Raptors team as good as that franchise will ever be? Ok, I’m getting nervous. Plus Canadian winters.

Suns/Magic- My affinity to these teams is due to three factors:

• Color Schemes/Jerseys: Even the Suns’ current floor, which could accurately be described as… loud.
• Nostalgia: The Shaq/Penny era had a huge impact on the 11-year-old version of myself. The Nash era had a huge impact on me as I began to think about the game intellectually.
• Location: A little skeptical about the Florida thing, but it’s better than Rhode Island and I’ve always been intrigued by the southwest. I’ve never experienced a desert before so I’ve probably romanticized it.

Just The Right Amount of History

Warriors, Blazers, Rockets, 76ers

All four teams have won an NBA Championship, all have great logos and colors. The Warriors, Blazers, Rockets stand out now because they are winning, but if the Sixers ever had a contender, that would be really fun nationally. Philly would definitely get behind that; look how they supported AI to the death. Much like Lakers fans with Kobe.

The Winner

Washington Wizards

First, it won’t break the bank at $900 million. That allows me to pocket some of the $2 billion windfall I come into in this hypothetical situation.  

Second, I can finally get rid of one of the worst nicknames and logos in the league. For PR reasons, I may not be able to reinstate the ‘Bullets’ moniker, but I can figure out a way to tribute that and go a bit more retro (and less 90’s) with my color scheme/logo/floor design.  

Third, Washington seems to be too influential of a city in the grand scheme of things to be so irrelevant in the NBA landscape. Remember, up until this season really, the Wizards have been mostly a joke for decades.

Fourth, Joe House will love it.

Fifth, John Wall ensures I’m relevant for the next 4-5 seasons.

Sixth, the Washington/Baltimore region is kind of an underrated hotbed for basketball talent: Hall of Famers Adrian Dantley and Elgin Baylor, plus Durant, Carmelo, Rudy Gay, Ty Lawson, Oladipo, Jeff Green, and ,of course, Muggsy Bogues.

That’s right Mitchell, I said Muggsy Bogues, what do you have to say for yourself?  *mic drop*

www.muggsybogues.com

Paul: Gotdamn, that was a good breakdown. We should’ve been doing goofy questions in this column months ago…

We’ve got some similar thought processes here, but I can promise you the Wiz-ards never entered into the discussion, for some reason. Why is that…? I enjoyed my limited exposure to D.C. and the Baltimore-area that time we drove down for one of your bowling tournaments, and bought $35 tickets on the third-base line like an hour before the Nationals game (back when they were awful; shout-out Livan Hernandez and Brad Wilkerson!). Oh yeah, politics… There’s some money in the area but also market saturation with two baseball teams, the Ravens, and the Capitals to compete with, plus I’d have to pander to the politicians that would come scrounging around for free tickets for fear of being brought before a Senate sub-committee or something, so I’ll give you Washington. Just please change the name, and enjoy cleaning out the front office and coaching staffs.

I’ll try to be brief and positive as I narrow down my choices. The Knicks and Lakers are out of my price range but I’d be intrigued by another big market, where I’m almost guaranteed attendance and huge profits from TV deals even if I completely ignore the team and instead focus on starting my own blues band. Plus I’d get to be fake-friends with celebrities and throw creepy black-and-white parties. So I would consider teams like the Nets (first order of business: trade Brook Lopez and Deron Williams, then put the Brooklyn’s Finest staff on the team’s payroll), the Rockets, the Bulls, or the Heat over some of the smaller markets, where I might have to actually win to draw fans.

I’d love to say my beloved Boston Celtics, just so I can meet Bill Russell or Sam Jones and hang out with Mike and Tommy on the broadcasts, but I’d end up firing Danny Ainge after getting impatient with the rebuild or barring the entire New England media from my facilities (outside of Chris Forsberg, Jackie MacMullan, Jessica Camerato, Paul Flannery, and a handful of other writers who are incredible at their jobs). The crappy weather would be a deterrent (as well as in other great cities like Toronto, Minnesota, Indianapolis, Milwaukee, etc.) but at least I’d finally have a gym to play in all winter (albeit in Waltham). I would probably get annoyed at being the third or fourth attraction to a whole region of obsessive and obnoxious sports fans, or after being passed over by free agents year after year, so Boston is out. Expectations and all that.

It would be tempting to buy into a historic franchise in a (slightly) smaller market, in like Denver or Portland or Atlanta or Golden State, where you’re one title run away from achieving legendary status (ask Bill Walton or Rick Barry or Ben Wallace). Portland and Detroit have experienced success in multiple decades, but teams like the Hawks, Nuggets, Warriors, and even some younger franchises like Orlando, Toronto, Sacramento, Pelicans, etc., have suffered through some inconsistent ownership groups in their NBA existence. Chris kinda hits on the opposite of that with the Spurs, Heat, and Mavericks, where the standard and expectations would be impossible to reach, and I’m also not about to have Pat Riley steal my shine after I spend $2 billion.

Okay, I’m done narrowing it down, here’s my Top 5…

1. Atlanta Hawks - Chalk it up to my childhood love of the old TBS days of the Greg Maddux, Andruw Jones, Andres “Big Cat” Galarraga-era Atlanta Braves, but I’m taking the ATL. First of all it’s available, and I can easily implement my own personnel guy (by that I mean myself) to shop for Mike Budenholzer’s groceries. Al Horford would get a lifetime contract complete with ownership stakes, Kyle Korver his own All-Star campaign (along with Jeff Teague), and my politicking would consist of hanging out in my owner’s box with Ludacris and either Big Boi or Andre. I’d be in a great city (albeit in the South) with historical significance, with a fan base that’s been ignored for generations, and in an organization that’s suffered through dysfunction but still offers great infrastructure (coach, style of play, and organist).
2. Toronto Raptors - The Raptors violate my no-cold weather edict but do offer the upside and pleasantness of Canada. The Raps are like a younger brother to the Portland Trail Blazers or even the Seattle Super Sonics (RIP), in that they tie into a regional base that is as passionate as a collegiate town but has the numbers (and voice) to influence All-Star ballots and merchandising revenue. I can’t think of many other NBA fanbases that would draw hundreds (thousands?) of fans to watch a first-round playoff game on a huge video board outside of the arena, and an Eastern Conference or NBA Finals appearance for the Toronto Raptors could make that owner a Canadian national hero (right up there with Seth Rogen and Will Arnett, but below Justin Bieber or Michael J. Fox). Plus I'd get to hang out with Drake and pester him to introduce me to Nicki Minaj.
3. Brooklyn Nets - This is my safe scenario. Sure, the organization lacks almost any semblance of a future, thanks to Mikhail Prokhorov’s ambition and faith in Billy King, but it’s still a revenue generator that would have netted Prok better returns had he not broken payroll and luxury tax records. Again, I’d shop Deron and Brook for any expiring contracts and/or draft picks I could find, then maybe blow up my payroll commitments by moving Joe Johnson, Jarrett Jack, and Kevin Garnett as well. Mason Plumlee and Bojan Bogdanovic would get experience and shot opportunities until I was able to clear my cap and then reinvest in free agency in 2016 or ‘17, since I wouldn’t have any draft picks with which to rebuild. It’s been a mostly dreadful year-plus for fans of New York sports, but with an All-Star game down the line and an increasing salary cap, I’d feel confident that if I bought the Brooklyn Nets, I could win them over (and make a bunch of money).
4. Phoenix Suns - You covered most of the points, with the weather and the team jerseys/colors and the weather… Plus some historical relevance going back to the Paul Westphal/Gar Heard days, and whoever owns the team next gets Steve Nash’s (and Shawn Marion's) inevitable return to the franchise and jersey retirement. I’d almost feel obligated to play a run-and-gun style with the Suns, which I would have no problem with, and anybody who replaces Robert Sarver as owner should be lauded immediately by the fans. The biggest downsides, to me, are the Western Conference and the wackiness that is the state of Arizona, but the prospect of being the owner that finally brings a title to the much-deserving Suns fans would be a huge attraction.
5. This spot comes down to the Portland Trail Blazers or Golden State Warriors, and I’m not sure if Paul Allen would sell his shares in the only professional basketball franchise in the Pacific Northwest. For that matter, I doubt Peter Guber and Joe Lacob would sell either, after buying the team less than five years ago for a then-record $450 million and seeing that investment more than triple (reportedly). Steph Curry, Klay Thompson, Harrison Barnes, and Draymond Green (restricted free agency and all) are the allure, plus a progressive city that is both passionate and crazily aggressive, and some really cool uniforms and team history. With the Blazers, I’d get Damian Lillard’s prime (and Wes Matthews’s?) and LaMarcus Aldridge’s eventual retirement, after owning all Trail Blazer records, plus some awesome hiking trails and Bill Walton stories. No chance I get either franchise (duh doi), but that’d be a no-lose situation.

After breaking all of these teams down, I just realized that the correct answer is “whichever team I can move to Seattle to resurrect the Super Sonics.” At the risk of alienating a bunch of fanbases, I won’t theorize as to which franchises I think I can poach and relocate, and I don’t even think I could be that much of a dick to a whole region of fans as to rob them of their NBA team, even if it would make me more popular in Seattle than Russell Wilson. 

Oh wait, boooo Seattle, go Pats! Atlanta, it is!